Manipulation

Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. If you respect your wife, you will want her to do what she does by choice, based on the truth, from a heart of love. You will, therefore, speak the truth in love. Trying to get her to do something by using unhealthy tactics is called manipulation. Manipulation is self-centered because it focuses on getting what you want without regard to the impact on your wife. Manipulation includes:
· Lying – It was usually pretty funny when Lucy would lie to Ricky to cover up her latest scheme, but it didn’t add to a healthy marriage. If there is anything you are telling your wife that isn’t true, it is going to create separation between the two of you and will make your wife feel taken advantage of and hurt when the truth becomes known.
· Insulting – You should be committed to building your wife up. You may think that you can get her to do what you want by insulting her, but you are damaging your relationship and discarding the unique opportunity you have to build your wife up.
· Violence – If you have become violent with your wife, you need to ask God to change your heart. You have become so focused on having your way, that you have resorted to something completely contrary to what you committed to when you married. You were given to each other to help each other. Violence in your marriage is damaging to the very heart of your relationship.
· Threatening – Physical violence has no place in a marriage. Neither do threats of violence.
· Nagging – You are nagging if you constantly repeat the same criticism and complaints.
· Whining – If you have something constructive to say, say it without the drama.
· Shouting – Shouting at your wife may seem like it gets her attention. However, it damages the mutual respect that is essential to healthy communication. If you need to take a short break to calm down before you can talk in a normal voice, that is better than shouting at your wife.
· Withdrawing – If you know you are about to lose your temper, walking out of the room may be a better option for a short while. However, staying withdrawn for any length of time is a form of manipulation. Some people will go into a quiet pout to try to manipulate their spouse. Refusing to talk, slamming the door behind you, hanging up on someone during a phone conversation, and withholding normal sexual relations are all forms of manipulation.
· Using Guilt – He says, “After I went to work all day to bring home money to feed the family, you can’t even show a little appreciation by cleaning the house.” She says, “After I went through the pain of childbirth, the least you could do is change a diaper occasionally.” We want to develop a relationship where we do things for each other out of love, not guilt.
· Using Unfavorable Comparisons With Someone Else – “My mother always had dinner ready by this hour.” “Jenny’s husband doesn’t care what time she comes in at night.” These kinds of comparisons are damaging to your relationship.

Something to Talk About – Are there forms of manipulation that you have been using on your wife? What are healthier ways your can express what you want?