Manipulation

Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. If you respect your wife, you will want her to do what she does by choice, based on the truth, from a heart of love. You will, therefore, speak the truth in love. Trying to get her to do something by using unhealthy tactics is called manipulation. Manipulation is self-centered because it focuses on getting what you want without regard to the impact on your wife. Manipulation includes:
· Lying – It was usually pretty funny when Lucy would lie to Ricky to cover up her latest scheme, but it didn’t add to a healthy marriage. If there is anything you are telling your wife that isn’t true, it is going to create separation between the two of you and will make your wife feel taken advantage of and hurt when the truth becomes known.
· Insulting – You should be committed to building your wife up. You may think that you can get her to do what you want by insulting her, but you are damaging your relationship and discarding the unique opportunity you have to build your wife up.
· Violence – If you have become violent with your wife, you need to ask God to change your heart. You have become so focused on having your way, that you have resorted to something completely contrary to what you committed to when you married. You were given to each other to help each other. Violence in your marriage is damaging to the very heart of your relationship.
· Threatening – Physical violence has no place in a marriage. Neither do threats of violence.
· Nagging – You are nagging if you constantly repeat the same criticism and complaints.
· Whining – If you have something constructive to say, say it without the drama.
· Shouting – Shouting at your wife may seem like it gets her attention. However, it damages the mutual respect that is essential to healthy communication. If you need to take a short break to calm down before you can talk in a normal voice, that is better than shouting at your wife.
· Withdrawing – If you know you are about to lose your temper, walking out of the room may be a better option for a short while. However, staying withdrawn for any length of time is a form of manipulation. Some people will go into a quiet pout to try to manipulate their spouse. Refusing to talk, slamming the door behind you, hanging up on someone during a phone conversation, and withholding normal sexual relations are all forms of manipulation.
· Using Guilt – He says, “After I went to work all day to bring home money to feed the family, you can’t even show a little appreciation by cleaning the house.” She says, “After I went through the pain of childbirth, the least you could do is change a diaper occasionally.” We want to develop a relationship where we do things for each other out of love, not guilt.
· Using Unfavorable Comparisons With Someone Else – “My mother always had dinner ready by this hour.” “Jenny’s husband doesn’t care what time she comes in at night.” These kinds of comparisons are damaging to your relationship.

Something to Talk About – Are there forms of manipulation that you have been using on your wife? What are healthier ways your can express what you want?

A Marriage You Can Live With

This new book was written for couples to read together. Each chapter has "Something to Talk About." Get this book and read it with your wife. I am confident that if you take the time to read through this book together, you will see growth in your marriage.

Every Married Man Rally at South Hills Church, Sept. 6

Mark your calendar for Sept. 6.
This will be a day of encouragement and challenge for Every Married Man.

Many men are on the ragged edge between success and failure in their marriages. The consequences of success and failure in marriage are very high and long lasting. The steps to success are not rocket science. We can succeed.

10 am to 2:30 pm
Worship with Jason Holladay and Band
"Marriage for Regular Guys With Weird Women" - Rich Sexton
Barbecue Lunch by Iron Rack Catering
"Hope for the Imperfect Man" - Jesse Campos

Tickets - $15

South Hills Church, 3700 W. 27th Ave., Kennewick, WA
Hosted by Tri-Cities Men's Ministry in association with Men's Ministry of South Hills Church

Benefits Tri-Cities Teen Challenge

For tickets, posters, or more information, Email Rich Sexton, rich@everymarriedman.com, or call 509-947-0930.

Respect

Ephesians 5:33 “....and the wife must respect her husband.”

I bet you thought this is in the Bible so you can shove it in your wife’s face and demand that she respect you. It isn’t in the Bible for you at all. It is written to women. You need to go read the parts that are written to men.

Men want to be respected, but you’ll never get any respect demanding it. You’re going to have to earn it.

If you earn it, your wife will be very happy to give you respect. Here are the things your wife will need to see in you for her to truly respect you.

Love – God has called you to love your wife with an unconditional and sacrificial love. Let’s look at what Paul wrote to us.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

I suppose it’s safe to say that all of us will fall short, from time to time, of offering the kind of love Jesus has shown us. However, if you even come close, you will find that your wife will treat you with great respect. If you are a Christian man, I’m guessing that there have been moments in your life when this concept of loving your wife was clear to you and you were ready to go do it. However, the daily challenges of life, some miscommunication, and some disrespect from your wife may have worn you down. You may need to rededicate yourself to the task. You may need to pray again and let God fill your heart with His love. The Bible teaches us that He is the source of love.

We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

If you don’t have a lot of love in your heart, you don’t have a lot of God in your life.

Honesty – Telling lies is nothing new. There are several examples in the book of Genesis, beginning with the serpent. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob all lied at one time or another. But if you lie to your wife, she is going to have a very hard time respecting you.

People lie to avoid embarrassment or to avoid the consequences of their behavior. A man may lie to his wife to make himself look better in her eyes than he thinks he would if he spoke the truth.

When Paul wrote about Christians growing together, he gave this simple principle:

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)

Have you been in the habit of lying to your wife about your finances, the use of your time, or how things are going at work? You may fool her now and then, but she will eventually be able to tell if you are an honest person with her. If you speak the truth to her, you will gain her respect. If you are in the habit of lying to her, she will not respect you.

You also need to be honest with everyone else. If your wife sees you lying to people around you and cheating to get through life, she will think of you more as a weasel than as a man.

Strength – You can’t be the hero all the time and you can’t pretend that you have no weakness. However, there are times when a man has to be strong for his wife and family. God will give you opportunities when your wife and family are going to be counting on you. In life’s most challenging moments, your family needs you to be level headed and strong. If you give up when life gets challenging, your wife may be the one to pick you up, but you will have missed the opportunity to earn respect from her.

This post is an excerpt from the book Marriage for Regular Guys With Weird Women.

Anger

Did you ever do something stupid when you were mad? I’ve seen men stand before judges in court explaining how sorry they were that they hit their wives and how foolish they felt about it. In most cases the judge had to send them to jail. The man’s only explanation for what he did is that he was mad.

God gave us a couple of warnings about anger.

In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (Ephesians 4:26)

The first warning is not to sin when we are angry. Whatever was wrong when you weren’t angry is still wrong when you are. If you’ve learned not to swear when you aren’t mad, don’t swear when you are. The fact that you’re mad doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong. If you wouldn’t hit things or people when you aren’t mad, don’t hit them when you are.

The second warning is not to go to bed mad. You are going to have to learn to cool down. You can nurture your anger and keep yourself mad all night and wake up mad tomorrow morning. Or you can change your focus, thank God for His love for you, and find yourself cooling down and getting over your anger.

Most of the time your anger won’t help you be a good husband or Dad. You shouldn’t be directing your anger at your family.

Guys don’t rely on anger because they are strong. They rely on anger because they are weak. If you are strong, you are going to keep your head and look for a solution to whatever is troubling you. You are going to turn to God and trust Him.

The Bible says;

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19)

Are you quick tempered? If you are, you are probably carrying around worries and wounds that God didn’t intend for you to carry. If you are quick to anger, your idea of God is too small and your idea of whatever is making you mad is too big. If you have a big God, your problems and challenges will look small and you will be slow to anger.

James goes on to say:

for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:20)

Some men may use anger as a defense to keep people at a safe distance. Others may use anger as a relief valve to blow off steam. But James shows us that anger isn’t going to be much help to you in becoming the man God wants you to be.

If you had parents who kept their head when you got mad as a child and didn’t let you get away with things because you were mad, then you are blessed. However, you may have had parents that thought you were cute when you were mad and laughed when they saw it. Or you may have had parents that gave you what you wanted when you got mad, making you think that anger was a good thing, a tool for getting people to do what you want. Anger may be a deeply rooted habit that you are going to need God’s help getting over. The good news is that God has set many men free from out-of-control anger.

A friend of mine, Marty, used to be angry almost all the time. Here is his story.

Before I was saved, I had a very bad anger problem. Looking back, I now realize that I was always in some state of anger, the severity of it just varied. I would get extremely angry very quickly and over things that were really insignificant. The things that would get me the most upset were things that should have been simple but weren't, like having problems getting my car key in the lock at night in the dark. Or things that should have happened one way, but didn't, like when I couldn’t get a bolt to go in because the holes weren't lined up. Instead of just dealing with the circumstances, I would often get mad and end up breaking or damaging something. But when I accepted the LORD and asked Jesus into my heart, my anger was taken from me. One night at work, about three weeks after I had gotten saved, I was walking down the hall and I remember that I smiled, because I realized at that moment what it felt like to be happy. I had spent so many years in varying states of anger that I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. I have thanked the LORD many times for taking my anger from me. The best part of my story is that I never asked him to remove it from my life, it just happened. When the love of the LORD entered my heart, there just wasn't any room left for the anger and hate.

This post is an excerpt from the book, Marriage for Regular Guys With Weird Women.

Your Life's Gonna Leave a Mark

You are going to make a difference in this world, whether you like it or not. The only question is what kind of difference will you make. You can leave behind a broken marriage, children who don’t respect you, and friends who have a low opinion of you. Or you can leave behind people who love and respect you and who have learned great things from you.

My extended family has some alcohol, drug addiction, and suicide running through it. These things tend to get passed down from generation to generation. The Bible says,

The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation. (Numbers 14:18)

This passage doesn’t even sound fair. Why should children be punished for the sins of their fathers? I believe it does show that junk tends to get passed down from a father to his children. An alcoholic is more likely than another man to have an alcoholic son. If your parents were angry and hateful, you are more likely to be that way too. If you are dishonest, your children will learn dishonesty from you.

There are alcoholics in my family, but when my father was a young man, he gave his heart to the Lord. His kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids have all been blessed with stable, loving, Christian homes. My father passed away a few years ago, but he left behind a positive legacy.

My uncle tells a story about a man who was a friend of my grandfather. He says the man was considered a "vile" man and an alcoholic until a tent meeting came to town and he gave his heart to Jesus. The man is now dead and gone, but the four generations of descendants that followed him are committed Christians. If you met his great-grandchildren, you would think of them as great people that come from a long line of Christians. But that line all began with one alcoholic who decided to give his heart to the Lord.

If, as you read this, you feel that your own children are hopelessly lost, I do not want you to be discouraged. If you are breathing, you still have the opportunity to leave behind a positive legacy.

My next door neighbor when I was a kid was an alcoholic. He gave his heart to the Lord shortly before he died. His son, who is my age, says, "The Lord swept through my family." Most of them became committed Christians.

The Every Married Man Rally

Mark your calendar for Sept. 6. This will be a day of encouragement and challenge for Every Married Man.

Many men are on the ragged edge between success and failure in their marriages. The consequences of success and failure in marriage are very high and long lasting. The steps to success are not rocket science. We can succeed.

10 am to 2:30 pm
Worship with Jason Holladay and Band
"Marriage for Regular Guys With Weird Women" - Rich Sexton
Barbecue Lunch by Iron Rack Catering
"Hope for the Imperfect Man" - Jesse Campos
Tickets - $15

South Hills Church, 3700 W. 27th Ave., Kennewick, WA
Hosted by Tri-Cities Men's Ministry in association with Men's Ministry of South Hills Church
Benefits Tri-Cities Teen Challenge

For tickets, posters, or more information, Email Rich Sexton, rich@everymarriedman.com